This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week (BLAW) in the UK. It’s a chance to raise awareness of the issues that face families who have experienced the loss of a baby and to make sure that no one going through it has to go it alone. The theme of this year’s event is ‘Stepping Stones’ and I wanted to share the next stepping stone in my baby loss journey, having already discussed my first miscarriage and the weeks and feelings that followed, as well as updating you a year later when my mental health had declined significantly following even more losses. My hope is that anyone going through a similar situation reading this will find it reassuring that my update for this year’s BLAW is a far more positive one.
With my last update, I had begun taking antidepressants. I’d resisted them for a long time, but I reached a point last year where I knew it was time. In the months after, we received the final results of our fertility investigations, which found no real positive outcome for us, nor negative, as far as the doctors were concerned. They said if we kept trying, we’d be able to get (and stay) pregnant eventually, but that gave no thought to the impact of any and all of the miscarriages that could happen before that.
The decision to stop trying was my real first stepping stone out of the depression I’d found myself in. And I know that’s not the right decision for everyone, but for me, it was. A few months later, I was able to wean myself off my antidepressants as I found the side effects were becoming worse than the benefits I was receiving. They had done their job and I was in a much better place by that point, thanks to time, therapy and ultimately the relief that I wouldn’t ever have to experience the unbearable anxiety of pregnancy again, nor the trauma of losing more children.
Although the decision to stop trying was a relatively easy one as I honestly didn’t believe I could cope with any more loss, the idea of having an ‘only child’ was still really hard for a long time and I wasn’t sure if it was something I’d ever get over. But I do feel a lot better about it now and am able to embrace all the positive aspects: being able to focus my love and energy into the one amazing child that I have, being able to take him on holidays and give him experiences that would have been far more difficult with a couple of kids running around, not to mention the fact that I don’t have to ‘go back’ to those baby days where life’s just a lot harder. I love that I can focus on growing my business and getting back to the fit and healthy me from years ago. That doesn’t mean it never gets to me any more. I can sometimes still find it difficult when I’m around certain people or friend groups who feel a bit too ‘close’ – babies born at a time when we were either dealing with a loss, or on our babies’ due dates (which are now imprinted on my brain). Sometimes Oliver will be besotted with a friend’s baby and it’ll tug at my heart strings knowing he won’t get the chance to be a big brother. I just have to remind myself that he has two parents who love him to bits and you can’t go far wrong with that.
Overall, I am in a happy place now. In a few months we’re heading off on our first holiday together in 3.5 years. We’re going skiing as a family, something we wouldn’t have been able to do for a long time had we had more children. And for that, I’m grateful. Another stepping stone in our journey to creating the perfect life for our family of three.
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